Security

So the day we brought Savita home from India we gave her a blanket. To be honest, I don't know where we got it, from a relative or friend, but every night of her American life, it has been by her side. It is a strange shade of yellow & after almost 5 years it has a giant hole in the middle. Everyday it rips just a little more. Through the years we have offered her other blankets...newer, softer, bigger....no thanks, she says, I'm sticking with what I know.

(Or as a wise man once said...."You gotta dance with who brung ya"...but I digress)

Well, one day last week, Savita announced to Heather..."I'm 6 years old now. I'm going to put my blankie in my closet and be brave. Maybe I don't need it anymore" She walked over to her closet and gently placed her blanket on top of her assorted animals. Then she went back to bed, closed her eyes, and went to sleep.

The next night, as I tucked her into bed, I noticed that she had her blanket back. I asked her, "Savita, I thought you didn't need your blanket anymore. What happened?"

"Well dad, let me tell the story of what happened. Yesterday I decided that I was going to be brave and not use my blanket anymore. I put it in my closet. I slept without it. But then later, I got kind of lonely, like I was missing it. So I decided that I wasn't ready to be brave yet. I went and got it back. I've decided that I'm going to have to wait until I'm older, maybe 10 years old, or nine years old, and then maybe I'll try again."

"And dad, its ok. Its ok that I'm not ready yet."

I smiled, kissed my little girl on the forehead, and assured her that it most certainly was ok. Then I watched her curl up with her blanket and fall into a blissful sleep.

Ironically, earlier that day, I had realized I had made a couple mistakes in life. Because of those mistakes, I tried something and it had failed. Somewhat miserably.

I was distraught. I felt vulnerable. weak. guilty. "You are 36 years old and you still have trouble doing that??....I thought you were mature.....You're a pastor!" (Just to clarify, no one actually said that to me...it was just the little evil voice in my head)

It was decidedly NOT ok.

So you know what I did? I analyzed what happened. What were the mistakes I made? Why did I make them? Are there deep underlying issues that drove me to these mistakes? What approach could I have taken that would have been better? I need to know WHY this happened so I can begin to piece together a strategy to have this never happen again. As I thought about it over and over again in my mind I began to worry...what if I never grow? what if I am destined to fail at this forever?....there is no hope. There's just something wrong with me....I wonder what people think....I am letting people down....God cannot be pleased.....

You get the idea.

I thought about my daughter going through that process...

Why did I go back for the blanket? What exactly am I scared of? It is not rational. What deep needs is the blanket covering up? What could I have done differently...hid the blanket? I'm SIX YEARS OLD! What is wrong with me? My 5 year old friend doesn't sleep with anything! I'm going to be stuck with this blanket forever! Someday when a boy proposes to me I'll have to tell him about my blanket, it will be so awkward....

But she didn't do that.

My daughter tried something and it didn't work.

She's thinks its ok, and she'll try again later. Now she's asleep.

I have got to learn that.